Ninjas in Paris

That would be my reaction too if I had to share the bed with Fuller after he'd been pounding Pepsi's all night.

Sorry to disappoint you people that were tricked into visiting this site, but I will be making my last post for a few weeks as I jet-set to Paris to visit my brother.  And I know what you are thinking: I must be crazy to visit France around the holidays!  Wasn't that Kevin McCallister's plan before his negligent ginger mother completely forgot she had a child, in the ode to crappy parents classic, Home Alone?  Yes, it was.  Or wasn't that the destination in the original Final Destination before their plane crashed and hell was the nearest destination?  Yes, yes, it was.  Crap.  Maybe I should rethink this.  Eh, I'm still going.

I do have one question to pose to my readers before I depart: should I go stereotypical American or stereotypical Parisian upon my arrival in the City of Light?  I enjoy looking like a fool and messing with people, and I think either of these options could accomplish those interests.

Stereotypical American:  I wear a 10-gallon hat, cowboy boots, draped in McDonald's bags while shooting my pistol into the air.  In this scenario it is imperative I remain as obnoxious as humanly possible, which could include singing Kesha songs.

Stereotypical Parisian:  Upon arrival I will post up on a corner outside the airport wearing a black-and-white horizontally striped shirt and a beret.  I will then proceed to play with my pencil thin Salvador Dali mustache in between brush strokes on the canvas on which I am painting tourists.  I will also debate the merits of baguettes and croissants in my miserably attempted French accent.

Or I will just watch this video and prepare myself for a good time.

Let me know your thoughts or advice on my trip or just your opinion on Concrete Blonde's 90's alt-hit "Joey."

Wilco's Jeff Tweedy Does the Weather

Tweedy monkeyed around the WGN studios this morning.

If you haven't seen Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy do the weather forecast for WGN News this morning, watch it now.

Often referred to as a "dad rocker" this appearance probably resonated with those fathers known for making "dad jokes."  Fans familiar with Wilco will recognize his typical on-stage banter, but it is funnier in a "news" situation.  I found his role as the "supplemental hair" to his bald counterpart hilarious.  He seemed to have the news crew in stitches, but the jokes really began with his jean jacket leaving its' bottom few buttons undone.  Good one jean jacket!

Blue Christmas

All Nick Cannon wants for X-mas is deafness, so he can escape "All I Want for Christmas Is You."

When making a list (and checking it twice) of the things I dislike most in music, there are a few mainstays: boy bands, auto-tune and Christmas music.

Before you bombard me with endearing nicknames such Ebenezer Scrooge and "dick for brains," I intend to fully explain my Christmas album disdain.  Take a look at that picture above.  That is Mariah Carey most likely lip-syncing her way through another cheery and vomit-inducing version of her X-mas smash hit "All I Want for Christmas Is You."  Even though it is played just one month a year, this song is a runaway favorite for most overplayed track in the history of music.  It appears in movies, television specials, parades, at sweater parties with hosts suffering from hearing loss and even in creepy Macy's commercials involving Mariah illegally seducing Justin Bieber.  It is harder to avoid than laughing at sports teams making socially conscious music.

Disclaimer: to avoid having your head slice-reverse-sliced off, please refrain from playing, mentioning or even humming that song around me.  Yet, if that song has one positive quality that sets it apart from most Christmas albums, it is at least a new and original song.  Every year there are artists from Michael Buble and John Legend to Arcade Fire putting out albums that recycle the same tired, old  merry tunes.  At least when jazz flute enthusiast and inspirational voice for the homeless ("Aqualung") Jethro Tull released their Christmas album attempt they wrote us some new music.

Musicians don't need to throw us Thom Yorke lines about reinventing what music CAN be, but just give us some new and modern Christmas tunes.  I guess many people find these familiar holly-jolly tunes to be a tradition akin to hanging Christmas lights or watching the old SNL "Schweddy Balls" skit.  I just don't understand why even bother putting out the 56,708th interpretation of "Jingle Bells" when I would much rather change your lyrics to "Batman Smells," at least that lyrical change was change.  There are always exceptions, for instance carols in movies.  Imaginary friends of the blog, Zoeey Deschanel and Will Ferrell, performed an enjoyable rendition of Baby, It's Cold Outside," in Elf if not for just giving audiences an "O Holy Night, they aren't half-bad singers" moment.

Luckily, for me my favorite radio station 93 XRT in Chicago doesn't just play the old-timey Christmas songs, they feature Christmas tunes in a "Holiday Nights" segment (nice Bob Seeger pun) that combines the new and original with the old and tired.  That leads to me finding gems like this number from the Blind Boys of Alabama playing "Last Month of the Year."  The style of this tune is nothing groundbreaking.  They rock a fun blues groove followed by call-and-response that tries to get to the bottom of the age-old question of when was Jesus born.  The backing vocal members try their damndest, to pin down the month of their Lord's birth by guessing every possible month to the lead vocalist.  Good for them, he's got the answer.    Even though it is originally a Kingston Trio ditty, The Blind Boys found a more obscure holiday jam than "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and made it their own. Simple maybe, but awesome?  Totally!  We need more of this, musicians of the world. And please put an end to the Mariah Christmas Monopoly. 

 

I like to imagine my family placing the ornaments and tinsel on our tree while caroling to this song instead.  I have to imagine that my family dancing to blues-gospel music would look a lot like Navis Johnson (around 1:30).

Fox News Hates The Muppets

Facing off against evil oil barons, self-acceptance and songs about rainbows make up a few of the major plot points of the new Muppets movie.  And Fox News didn't take long to denigrate the children's film as Communist propaganda.  Thank their Lord for bringing the brainwashing attempt of these filmmakers to the general public's attention.  Their liberal agenda chooses songs about rainbows uniting the lovers and dreamers.  Interesting choice wouldn't you say, can't they sing about profit margins and synergy to peak our childrens interest in capitalism.

Plus their main character is green!  Don't we see enough Prius commercials for you to give it a rest already Kermit?  The Muppets clearly despise the "job creators" and moneymakers in this country.  Even though Kermit seems to do quite well financially, not once in the film does he educate our children on the evils of the Capital Gains Tax, keeping this hot-stove topic absent from the film definitely shows the filmmakers leftist fingerprints.  To balance out the film's obvious political themes a song should be added to close the picture that promotes the traditional family value of money.  If I can quote the world's original storyteller, Jesus, "Love your neighbor, as if he were a multi-millionairre."  In the present day, we all have a duty to teach our kids to grow up and become obscenely rich without letting anything get in our way.  The ideals of love, friendship and charity may have been fine and dandy for the Muppets of old, but it's a new century, catch up.

Hannu-Kazaam

Imagine eight straight nights of this.  That's eight straight nights of the best gift ever.

Every year pundits see who can yell the loudest about the use of "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays," luckily I am here to put an end to that argument.  Today, I introduce a new holiday that crosses the religious battle lines into the promised land of secular merrymaking, as long you disregard the blatant title reference to a Jewish holiday and Muslim title character.  Hannu-Kazaam!  The name alone sounds smoother than Billy Dee Williams describing Ken Griffey Jrs. swing.

But what is Hannu-Kazaam you might ask?  It's simple.  One part Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight without a basketball in his hands on repeat for eight days.  Although we are yet to see how Shaq will fair in studio alongside Charles Barkley, I feel confident Shaq will be his usual, low-talking, big-smiling, lovable self thereby increasing brand awareness for this upstart holiday.  The Shaq persona has had a busy life off the court, and the whole world, from my house to yours, has been waiting for a chance to celebrate his achievements for eight days and eight nights.

There are countless routes to enjoying a night of Shaq.  For the cinephile in your house, give him a night dedicated to some of "The Big Aristotle's" silver screen roles in Good Burger, Blue Chips and the holiday's namesake Kazaam!

Regrettably, Christmas time can mean annoying carolers forced by their parents to dress in matching sweaters to sing holiday tunes on your doorstep.  Eww!  No longer will you need to turn off the lights and hide from those potential carolers.  Because on Hannu-Kazaam, there are no forced sing-alongs to outdated songs.  Instead, you can revel in your neighbors knocking on your door bearing the gift of a portable dvd player showing the music videos for Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life," and the Aaron Carter hit that reached No. 96 on the Billboard Hot 100 "That's How I Beat Shaq," both of which star "The Diesel."  Can't we all just sing-along to that.

This Hannu-Kazaam you will deck the halls (how the hell do you deck a hall?) while getting down to Shaq's multiple music ventures.  Shaq Diesel, Respect and You Can't Stop the Reign jingled critics bells from 1/2 to 1 star throughout the 90's.  Not to mention a super-group collaboration with the King of Pop and Ice Cube, sure to take the fa-la-la out of the pundits bruhaha.

Other ways to spend your Hannu-Kazaam! include watching episodes from Shaq Vs., any article profiling him when he thought he was police officer, watching his cameo in Curb Your Enthusiasm, any interview he's ever been in, reading Shaq Uncut, that video of his freestyle rap which focuses on the refrain, "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes," (get this guy a Grammy already), reading a list of his nicknames, and watching Shaq's Big Challenge where he tried to get kids to lose weight because he's always been a picture of a healthy weight.

The final night of Hannu-Kazaam must be spent enjoying not only Shaquille O'Neal's greatest piece of entertainment, but maybe the single greatest pop culture entity known to man: Shaq Fu.  This Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis 2-d fighting game has been ranked continually as one of the worst of all time.  But in my mind it is one of the only games to ever challenge the Sega powerhouse Michael Jackson's Moonwalker in which you fight off goons with handfuls of glitter to rescue young boys from the closet, the only thing missing is the literal red flag on the cover.  Oh yea almost forgot to mention Bubbles the monkey even appears in MJ's game.  Go buy it immediately, you will thank me.

This is a face and hand ready to dominate your holidays into submission.

Anthony Kiedis: Present Day Punk-Scat Singer or Lyrically Disabled

You must have done something "note"-worthy if The Simpsons mocked you. P.S. I'm a sucker for puns.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are an interesting band to listen to.  Yes, I have some nostalgia and sentiment for a band that as a pre-teen I considered punk and hardcore.  They represented an energy, electric guitars, and often humorous and memorable rhyming lyrics that appealed to a suburban me who knew no better.  I understand some people dislike this band and view them as pop-punk that is more of an act than it is music.  As I've gotten older I find myself finding some merit in those statements, but that is mostly due to Anthony Kiedis' lyrics.

I doubt any self-respecting music critic ever wrote that Anthony Kiedis was the voice of his generation, but compared to some of the other voices out there (Fred Durst, Rachel Black, etc.) he's definitely not the worst choice, is he?  The majority of his lyrics seem to find rhymes out of convenience or laziness more than a cohesive or distinct message.  But doesn't that say something about this band?  On their best songs they are led by Flea's dominant bass riffs and accompanied by Frusciante's electric riffs.  Really, Kiedis is akin to a hype man in the rap world, a la, a more composed Flavor Flav.  His role in the band is the entertainer, and judging by his musical intentions revealed in his autobiography, this is a role he relishes. 

His position in the band has resulted in countless fun rhyme schemes that often showcase his talent for rhyming states with regular words.  This propensity for state rhymes is overused to an often comedic effect, let alone the song "Dani California" which is apparently an ode to rhyming states and really no other purpose (see also "Around the World" and "Especially in Michigan").  Below is a particular excerpt of nonsense from a song that uses no states as rhyming tools - "Can't Stop."

"Can't stop, the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop"

Those lyrics make about as much sense as casting an ex-gangster in a family film.  The final line in this exerpt brings up a point I want to touch on.  Few would dare comparing The Chili Peppers with the snifter-of-scotch-drinking high-class world of bebop and jazz music.  But I believe there are similarities between Kiedis and the scat singing in vocal jazz.  Scat employs vocal improvisation that matches the tempo, melody and rhythm of a jazz ensemble.  A scat singer uses the sound of their voice to imitate the sound of an instrument.  They accomplish this with nonsense syllables or other wordless sounds.  Although Kiedis uses actual words that rhyme instead of syllables, the effect is the same.

The high-octane and quasi rap-punk vocals in Chili Peppers songs flow with the instruments backing Kiedis.  And although I assume he writes these lyrics instead of improvising them, the convenience and quickness of his lyrics give off a vibe of him pulling this off the top of his head.  Maybe I'm grasping at straws with this scat comparison and just trying to make excuses for lyrics that seem to cycle between stating the obvious ("Slay the plague for it's contagious" and "Autumn's sweet we call it fall") and the asinine ("What am I to fly my kite on/Do you want to flash your light on" - Good job rhyming "on" with "on").  At least Kiedis and Flea have their acting careers to fall back on.

Mario Kills Raccons, PETA Kills Childhoods

Yum, looks like dinner and a show.

According to PETA, Mario, the lovably mustachioed plumber that inhabits a world of magical sewer drains and evil mushrooms, is an endangered animal skinning, bloodthirsty, two-dimensional menace.  Despite the obvious fact that Mario is a video game and therefore not reality, PETA attempts to sully the Mario name because of his of Tanooki suits.  In the game, the Tanooki's raccoon-like fur gives Mario super powers.  PETA's outrage resulted in the creation of their own 2-d game in which you play as a skinless Tanooki corpse chasing down the vile animal-killer Mario.  The web page for this game includes images of Mario reveling among the corpses of his latest victims.  They really don't hold back on trying to ruin my childhood and many others with images like this.

I remember this game filled with a few less decapitated raccoon heads.

Pretty gruesome images, I especially like that the decapitated raccoon head had the wherewithal to cross his eyes into X's, reinforcing that he did not survive the decapitation.  Also, the animal's lifeless eyes were still able to muster a massive and colorful tear, perhaps a silent protest to his current  body-less situation.  This opens the floodgates for different organizations to take their shot at horrifying the childhood icons that I once viewed as innocent and wholesome.  I'll take an attempt at listing the upcoming scandals to be brought to light, all I need is the accompanying cartoon photographs.

A wise man once said, "Put Meat Loaf in the Rock Hall of Fame."

1.) Elves are non-magical little people held as Santa Claus' slaves.

2.) Mr Feeny was a Nazi.

3.) Rookie of the Year is kicked off the AFI Top 250 Films because it's implausibility due to a blatant disregard for child labor laws.

4.) Coca-cola destroyed the enamel of Polar Bears, who also lack opposable thumbs making it impossible for them to drink bottles of Coca-cola.  Class action suit on behalf of the polar bears takes Coca-cola for everything.

5.) Mr. Rogers sold his neighborhood to developers looking to build a Super Wal-Mart.

Smoke your cares away down in Fraggle Rock.

6.) The characters on Fraggle Rock abused a myriad of drugs to deal with their fame.  (Ed. note: Actually this wouldn't surprise anyone really.)

7.) Ms. Pac-Man took over following Pac-Man's tragic Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde overdose.  The tempting blinking lights called to Pac-Man feel until one day a taste of Inky or Blinky with a side of fruit just wasn't enough, he delved deeper into the underworld and started experimenting with all four characters, blinking or not.  "We knew his lifestyle would get the better of him eventually, but he couldn't be reasoned with," Ms. Pac-Man says, "I hope in his passing some little yellow balls out there can learn from his story, and that I can continue eating the hell out of some cherries to preserve his legacy."

8.) The banana phones Raffi sung so passionately about was actually written by Sprint.  The company looked to profit off cheap Honduran labor by combining food and cellular technology.  This would result in edible phones that would need replacing every 4-6 hours after being eaten by their owners.

9.) Lucky Rabbit's Feet were created by slicing the fur off of the Easter Bunny.

10.) Joe Paterno and Penn State football would be involved in a sickening abuse cover-up. Yikes!

Ode to the Liars and the Lazy

My parents don't buy this excuse due to my lack of feline DNA.

Often I will hear a friend exhaustively proclaim, "I had such a productive day!"  Really, did ya?

More times than not their daily docket will have looked something like basic chores, a little exercise and going grocery shopping.  I won't sit here and claim that I am any different.  I do the exact same thing.  Exaggerating to appear productive, normal and even hard-working is as downright American as apple pie.

In this post I will attempt to call bullshit on myself to break one of my "productive" days down.  As previously mentioned, I am for all intents and purposes unemployed.  Yes, I deliver pizzas 4 nights a week.  But the majority of my life is free time, which I spend in a myriad of unproductive ways.  Below are the edited highlights in my schedule for a recent day I considered "productive," followed in parenthesis by the unedited meaning of the productivity I truly achieved.

Bob Barker Wants You! to get out of bed.

-Woke up early = (Woke up in time to watch The Price is Right).

-Made the family breakfast = (Ate some cold pizza on the couch).

-Did the dishes = (Looked at the dishes and thought aloud that somebody should get to those).

-Washed 4 loads of laundry = (Seperated whites from colors and put them in a machine that did all the work for me.  Total time of actual activity completed by me: 2.35 minutes).

-Went for a run in the park = (Walked to the mailbox and back with enough energy left to complain about the cold weather).

-Showered = (Well that's just a lie).

-Searched for jobs online = (Daydreamed about being Morgan Freeman's voice double.  This is similar to a stunt double, but they would use my voice to fill-in for his dangerous vocal work, i.e. singing, screaming, conversing with Ashley Judd.  Disclaimer: this position is contingent on me sounding far more like Mr. Freeman, which will probably require expensive surgery or training).

-Completed the New York Times crossword puzzle = (Finished one level of Angry Birds).

-Went shopping = (At the local liquor store).

-Read an article on getting my resume noticed by employers = (Watched a mid-day Family Matters marathon on Nickelodeon).

As you can see I lead quite the extraordinary life.  I'm just waiting for MTV to contact me about appearing in True Life: 24 Hours Is Far Too Many for 1 Day.  Ed. note: I never once changed out of my pajamas in the documented day...or week.

Internet Movie Birthday Database (IMBD)

This 4-disc set is only $23 on Amazon and completely unrelated to this post aside from one joke.

As I do on every November 10, I decided to surf over to the web site IMDB to look up Clint Eastwood's directing credits.  The man directed 35 movies in 40 years!  Not to mention he was acting in some of those films, and in a host of others throughout those years.  Having that prolific a career as an actor and director challenges the prolific "scoring" career of Wilt Chamberlain both on and off the court.  Granted, all of Eastwood's movies weren't instant classics, or even worthy of wasting an instant-noodles dinner while watching (looking at you Space Cowboys and Hereafter).  Still, his numbers are impressive and he was Dirty Harry so he gets a pass on some of those.

While visiting the Internet's Movie Database, I came across their "Born Today" section and was amazed at the depth of their Happy Birthday wishes. Their research team would even find a gaffer/coffee boy on the set of the early 90's TV series Dinosaurs and cheer him after he blew out his candles.  Their section today (Nov. 10) honored the living (Ellen Pompeo from Old School), the dead (Brittany Murphy, Roy Scheider the wild-jawed sheriff in Jaws), the crazy (Tracy Morgan), the forgotten (Sinbad), and some guy named Bin Won.  In all, the section gave three cheers for 822 people born on today's date that worked in some capacity for a television show or movie.

That must be have been an incredible amount of work to compile when the IMDB page launched.  Sure, it's easy enough to discover the "stars" birthdays.  For instance, I share my birthday with Mike Myers, Sir Ian McKellen and Dmitri Martin.  I hope to see all of my readers at our joint birthday celebration this May in Dubai.  But how much time must it have taken to research just the birthday of the Aladdin soundtrack guy, Tim Rice?  Don't misunderstand me, Aladdin was a classic, but never did I ever wonder the birth date for the guy who put the music in the film together.  I was fine just assuming he didn't even exist.  In my 8-year-old mind, the songs from that movie were never written.  Instead, the cameras just happened to capture the characters as they sang these catchy tunes off the top of their heads.

All I can say is I am astounded by how much pointless work it must have been for this web site to inform me that today Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure director Stephen Herek was born.  You would have thought Bill and Ted could have launched Stephen Herek to become a household name.  Very similar to how Taxi Driver did for Scorsese, but it didn't work out.  But on his IMDB birthday, Herek's b-day is just as important as Scorsese's.  I just feel that all this work should be rewarded by somebody, since the results won't even be browsed by most.  Just counting to 822 would be a daunting task for me, let alone finding that many people with the same birthday.

Occupy the NBA

The "madman prophet's" show looks eerily similar to a few on cable news today.

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore," remains one of the most memorable quotes in film history.  It comes from Sidney Lumet's Network and is proclaimed by the main protagonist, Howard Beale, on his television program to spark the interest of the nation.  That phrase resounds throughout the country once the prime-time prophet instructs his viewers to yell it out their windows.  This scene vividly reminds me of something currently taking place.

I'm getting fed up with all the tiffs being played out through the media, the arguments over the money made by millionaires, and the divide it has caused in this country.  No, I am not talking about the Occupy Wall Street movement.  They had their chance.  Why should I occupy myself with the division between the 1% of this country that owns nearly half the wealth and the outspoken 99% who have to scrape to get by?  Who wouldn't rather occupy themselves with the division between two public groups of millionaire's arguing about a 50-52.5% share of the NBA's revenue?

That's why I am calling for an Occupy the NBA movement that will take a few cues from the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.  Listen OWS, nobody likes bankers. We all just assume they cheat, but we play the game anyways.  It's the exact same concept as Monopoly.  But while they sit in drum circles and explain how the wealthy have destroyed the middle class, and any chance of security for the vast majority of Americans, there are over 400 men a being kept from playing a game for measly million dollar salaries.  How can Michelle Obama claim to be fighting obesity in this country while these professionals sit locked out of their gymnasiums, private jets and multi-million dollar weight rooms?

While it is easy to make jokes about the epidemic of terrifyingly off-rhythm drum circles that have invaded the current Wall Street protests, they do teach a lesson in Protest 101.  Music gets the message out.  I just don't have the time to read or listen to speeches anymore.  Kennedy's Inaugural Address and Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech don't fit well on my Stairmaster playlist.  But toss some Dylan or Woody Guthrie on my iPod and I will climb those stairs all the way to freedom.

This seems like an area where the NBA Lockout protests could easily succeed.  There are countless musicians with vested interests in professional basketball.  These include Usher and Jay-Z who are part owners of the Cavaliers and the Nets respectively.  Yet, the only song mentioning a lack of basketball  I could discover was this.

The NBA lockout deserves a song that wishes for an end to the lockout instead of a wish for more athletic talent.  At the very least, Shaq and Metta World Peace (Ron Artest's new name should be inspiring some progress) could combine their failed music careers to pen a hit protest ditty.  Obviously, their version would involve more lyrics about Cristal and bikini-clad ladies, faster rhymes and probably a sample stolen from an 80's rock song, but something with a powerful or satiric message like this Woody Guthrie cover could do wonders.

Another chapter of Protest 101 the NBA should read describes the necessity to win public approval by demonizing the other side of the argument.  I mean just watch how masterfully these propagandist Occupy Oakland protesters villianize these harmless Police Officers that are just trying to keep the peace by disregarding any definition of the word peace.

It shouldn't be too hard to find David Stern or some NBA owner shaking hands with a ruthless dictator.  And if they can't find this with a basic Google search, the players should be able to scrap together a little cash from their meager salaries to hire an expert Photoshopper to create a photo of commisioner David Stern playing bridge with Saddam.

You would have to imagine that if the NBA players could gain the backing of the general public via any of these two options, that it just might swing the owners to concede a percent or two to bridge the gap between the 50-50% share the owners want and the 52.5-47.5% share the players want.

Or the two sides could just look "compromise" up in the dictionary and agree on somewhere around a 51-49% share and end this silly argument between two groups of exorbitantly rich human beings.  Then we can get back to watching 99% of this country embarrass themselves by demonstrating for an end to money's indomitable influence over politicians.  If only the company big-wig from Network, could get the protesters to put down their snare drums for a second so he could heartlessly explain how money rules the universe and specifically how the men with that money do it, they would realize that the wealthy in this country are far more "American" than they are.

Consolers of the Violent

We play instruments in black-and-white just as well as in technicolor.

Sorry for the long delay, but I've been on the couch watching Halloween movies without my wisdom teeth the past week.  I'm sure everyone reading this was on the edge of their La-z Boy chairs after I teased a Brad Pitt and Jack White connection in this blog.  Well, worry not.  In this blog I will blow your mind into believing that the 1999 film version of Fight Club and The Raconteurs 2008 release Consolers of the Lonely share some major commonalities. 

To those who haven't seen the movie, I will ruin it for you in this next sentence, so be prepared.  The major twist in the end of the movie unveils that the seemingly radically different two main characters are actually the same person.  The cool, muscular, anti-corporate Brad Pitt is a figment of Edward Norton's soft, pale-skinned and twisted imagination.  The two sides of Norton's coin work together to create "Fight Club," the violence-prone, anti-establishment, anti-advertisement club Norton's character starts in the basement of his rundown house.  His creation overpowers him and grows to have chapters throughout the country.  The monster he created ends up moving past what Norton thought he was getting into and not even he can stop this powerhouse.

"No wonder so many girls like me." -Brad Pitt on the Occupy Wall Street protests.

Similarly, Consolers of the Lonely manically splits itself into two categories.  It pits the dark, edgy and heavy songs like "Consolers of the Lonely," "Attention," and "Five on the Five" against the softer Americana-vibe of "Rich Kid Blues," "Old Enough," and the bonfire sing-along ready "Carolina Drama."  This difference in feel, sound and vibe is even apparent in the demeanor and appearance of the chief songwriters, Jack White and Brendan Benson.  Similar to the differing appearance of Tyler Durden and unnamed narrator played by Norton, White's pale skin and dark hair give him a more hardcore look than the comparably cuddly Benson.  Don't get me wrong Benson is a total badass!  "The Swamp" is one of the greatest songs ever written about purchasing vegetables and prostitutes from the same South American man.  Yes, it might be the only song about that, but still....keyboard solo.

Anyways, these personality differences you might describe as good vs. evil, but more accurately: edgy vs. straight-edgy, go a long way in rounding out the sound of the album and the story in the film.  The  protagonists and antagonists complete the story by somehow working together in an imperfect harmony (Fact: the actual harmonies in Consolers of the Lonely are perfect, just ask Olmec).  They both develop a grittiness that isn't too hot in today's popular culture. 

Fight Club's visual atmosphere appears scratched up especially whenever Brad Pitt's character is featured.  It makes the audience feel the loss of control taking place in the main character's life.  Also adding to that feeling of chaos and danger is the choice to shoot the majority of the film at night.  And everyone knows all the fun and danger takes place at night.  Except for human mistakes like Kenny Chesney and Uncle Kracker.

Consolers of the Lonely has the same nighttime dangerous feel to it.  By randomly alternating between slow and fast, hard and soft, a chaos is created that leaves the listener guessing what's next.  And I could bore you with more comparisons between these two classics like how they are both throwbacks to old staples (Raconteurs to the Who, and Fight Club to The Graduate, which director David Fincher explains far better than me), but I think these hits just boil down to being badass.  They are both manly entertainment that I would associate with drinking Scotch, fishing with your bare hands and fighting Nazis.

For your enjoyment, the lighter side of Fight Club....

W&W: Wilco and Wall-E

What a cute and cuddly trash can!

Similarities abound between the unique Pixar film Wall-E and Wilco's critically acclaimed 2002 effort Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.  Discovering comparable motifs between these two was easier than making a Kirstie Alley fat joke 2 years ago (apparently she lost the weight now).  I wouldn't be surprised if Jeff Tweedy and the late Jay Bennett consulted with the filmmakers to create this progressive thinking, environmentally-charged animated picture to expose children to meaningful art.

Now, I could just about go song-by-song down the list of what Rolling Stone named the third best album of the 2000's and find a relation to plot points in Wall-E, and that is exactly what I am going to do.


"I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" - I never thought trash collectors could cause a grown man to tear up, but damnit if Wall-E didn't come close.  That little compactor almost made we want to go out and hug a can-collecting vagrant or two on the street and maybe duet a Hello Dolly number while I was at it.  The last and loneliest of his species, Wall-E "assassins (trash) down the avenue" and has his heart broken after sharing a seedling (that sounds dirty, but was not meant as a play on words) with his new found beau, Eve.  The despair and isolation of the Earth Wall-E now inhabits mirrors the themes of hopeless love and isolation found throughout YHF.  Wall-E could have easily sung to Eve "what was I thinking when I let go of you."

"Kamera" - "I need a camera, to my eye," opens this tune.  And I'm pretty sure Wall-E's eyes are made of cameras.  Check.

"Radio Cure" - The refrain to this ditty mentions "Electronic surgical words."  Interesting seeing as Pixar took a gigantic leap in featuring a main character who could only speak in the robotic, electronic surgical language of love.  I also find it interesting that Pixar took the risk on this experimental film and they were rewarded with a hit, while Warner Bros. found YHF too risky and non-mainstream which lead to the disintegration of Wilco's record deal.  Looks like Pixar made the right call while Warner Bros. added to the decline of music business.

"War on War" - Wall-E may be viewed by some on the right as an affront on the American way of life.  I see it as calling us on our shit.  I am an American and I know plenty of lazy, overweight, fast-food loving Americans, and 3 people from other countries that love the same things.  This movie makes it's points, and inflates them to satirize the state of our world to try and make a change.  It uses the comedic scenes of obese future humans losing the use of their legs after generations of inactivity.  It is a attack on our "wars" against obesity, global warming and robot marriage.

"Jesus, Etc." - Because this album was released soon after the 9/11 attacks, some people believe this song is an homage to that day because of lines like "Tall buildings shake."  But the reality is this song was recorded months prior to that day.  Still the mood of the country at the time gave this song new meaning to certain fans and the cover art may have added to this feeling.  YHF's cover features the two Marina City buildings in downtown Chicago, that some critics speculate to also be in reference to the World Trade Centers.  Wilco 9/11 conspiracies aside, Wall-E definitely has it's fair share of towers built by centuries of garbage accumulation and also examines the new American experience in a way never before seen in a children's movie.

"Ashes of American Flags" - This song gives the most blatant connection to Wall-E.  Tweedy references the disbanding of the America that he loves and examines the country as a shadow of its' former self.  Wall-E's version of Earth shows a far cry from what we live in now.  The line about fallen leaves filling up shopping bags also leads to an obvious mention of the trash that surrounds and decorates Wall-E's world.

"Heavy Metal Drummer" -  Tweedy nostalgically sings, "I sincerely miss those heavy metal bands used to go see on the Landing in the summer."  And Wall-E definitely shares some nostalgia and longing for the past.

"I'm the Man Who Loves You" - I have the distinct advantage that I can read, write and speak robot, and Wall-E says this exact phrase to Eve at 38, 42, 58 and 107 minutes into the film.

"Pot Kettle Black"- This phrase is used to accuse a person of being guilty of the thing that they are pointing out.  For instance, if it was discovered that Chris Hansen was an online child predator or Hitler's father was Jewish, they would be calling the pot kettle black.  There are quite a few human characters, including one played by the great Fred Willard, in the movie that are responsible for the near death of Earth.  These same people probably spent their time focusing on how music lyrics and video games would destroy society before any environmental or twinkie-obsession problem could.

"Poor Places" - Strange and entrancing lyrics highlight this standout on YHF.  It is truly just a beautiful song.  Similarly beautiful is the scene when Wall-E and Eve ride a fire extinguisher through the star-filled expanse of space.

"Reservations" - I'm not even going to try and compare this.  But still the percentages of songs that compare is pretty astounding, if you even believe a word I wrote.

Check in next when I compare efforts from lady-killers Jack White and Brad Pitt.

Together, Forever - Music and Movies

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man, you  are B.A. Baracus.

Recently an imaginary friend of mine asked me an intriguing question: would I rather live without music or movies?  To which I said, "B.A. Baracus Khan that is an intriguing question."  But I found a fatal flaw in his brain-beater, what would movies be without music.  If I chose movies, then mood-altering scores would theoretically be erased from classic films.  Music-less movies would eradicate classics like West Side Story and "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut.  Either way the conclusion I came to on this question, flawed logic aside, was that I could not live in a world without music.  Exhibit A: No matter how terrible Vanilla Ice's music career was, it is Grammy Award worthy compared to the alternative.  Exhibit B: see Exhibit A.  Sure there are plenty of terrible actors who tried to cut it as singers, looking at you Hasselhoff this ain't Germany.  But Vanilla Ice's role in Cool As Ice portraying a James Dean wannabe who clearly was kicked in the head by a horse as a child, gives more than a few reasons for Hollywood to close its doors forever.

I'll try to leave Vanilla Ice alone for the remainder of this piece in exchange for making an actual point.  Movies and music are interrelated in ways other than just Patrick Bateman debating the latest Genesis cassette tape or the amazing soundtrack to Space Jam.  They touch on a number of similar artistic motifs like loneliness, rebellion, or defeating the performance-enhanced aliens from Moron Mountain in a game of basketball, and deal with these issues through very different means.  I took a moment to match up some albums that I view as classics with films that approach similar themes briefed in those albums and will release them in a series the next few days.  I can't promise they will match up like The Dark Side of Oz, but that is only because I don't know how to put an album on repeat on my iPod, so I couldn't test that theory.

Blonde on Blonde on Pulp Fiction

I would have preferred he titled this album Goofy White Guy Afro on Goofy White Guy Afro.

Uma definitely looks a little better pre-cardiac arrest in this one.

 













By the time this Blonde on Blonde hit the shelves Dylan had already alienated himself from those "fans" expecting him to strum his acoustic on the back of food carts for the rest of his life by going electric.  Dylan got more backlash for introducing this newfangled and wild technology called electricity into his act than Michael Jackson ever did for inviting children over for "Jesus Juice" "cock"tail parties (excuse the crassness but I couldn't refuse).  Blonde on Blonde signified his total transformation from pigeonholed strummer into full-blown bummer to the trust-fund folkies in Newport, but what this album really signified was a sprawling, innovative masterpiece.  Dylan drew from blues, country, and yes, folk music and paired that with surreal lyrics to create a multi-cultural music stew.  A mix-and-match concept also favored by Tarrantino.


Alluding to different areas of influence is a characteristic that has landed Quentin Tarantino with numerous high-paying movie deals and good-looking women that weren't drawn in by his rolling pan face.  Pulp Fiction and Blonde on Blonde are both pastiches that clearly reveal their creator's inspiration and their respect for their elders.  PF weaves together multiple characters and story lines together to form a pastiche within the pastiche.  I think I've just been incepted.  Also I said the word pastiche too much and now have a craving for quiche.  

Similarly, Dylan's album changes lanes that may seem erratic to some, but a master and commander like Bobby D guides the wheel beautifully like Steve McQueen, or for my lamer friends who never saw Bullitt, like Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) in Fast and the Furious aside from all the explosions and half-naked ladies.  Folkie ballads like "Visions of Johanna" and "Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" lie in stark contrast with the unrestrained fun of "Rainy Day Women #12 and 35."  Would I be stretching it with a pun like "Every Uma must get stoned?"   

PF follows this same up-and-down margarita blending of genres and tempo by employing long and tongue-in-cheeky conversations between hitmen about hamburgers followed by ultra-violent general badassery by Bruce Willis.  Then mixed and repeated without the ball gag.  

Both these works were inspired by their creator's predecessors, then infused with their own diversified interests to give birth to a whole new type of cool.  The only missing link would be Harvey Keitel singing  the nonexistent backup vocals on "I Want You."

Check back tomorrow when I explain the relation between Wilco and robot movies. (p.s. it will not be about Real Steel)

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Unfortunately, I couldn't land John Candy as a regular contributor to this blog.  My sources tell me that he is dead.

Hello blogosphere, stumblers....Mom and Dad!  And welcome to the inaugural post upon this blog that will touch on an array of topics in the pop culture world.  Let me get my credentials out on the web before I begin.  I am a 22-year-old college graduate with a degree in pizza delivery.  Damn, my mistake.  Actually my degree is in Journalism, but since I currently work as a pizza delivery man I tell people that my degree is in pizza delivery to make myself feel more accomplished.  I enjoy music, sports, movies, television, curling, unicycling and dinosaurs.  Hopefully, I will have time to brief you on my knowledge of all those subjects.  Despite the name of this blog, I will not be grading or critically thinking about the existence of American aquariums, because the Shedd wins every time.  The name is a lyrical pun and if you don't understand it, Google it.  That is the point of Google, right?

Anyways, I hope to bring a new perspective, among the infinite number of perspectives now on the web, with my views and thoughts on the latest happenings in the world of pop culture.  I can't promise breaking news because I'd rather leave the "real work" to those annoying channels on television that play the same stuff over and over.  Instead I will promise to, like Steve Martin in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, do whatever I must to find a way to bring you some fresh, interesting content.  I do not intend on becoming a jaded dick like Martin in that film, but this is my first post maybe I'm being naive.  The plan is to have a few laughs on this blog because laughter is an enjoyable action.  Whether it is me laughing to keep from crying at being the only one reading this blog, you laughing at my failed attempt at an engaging blog or just something being somewhat funny to you, I'll take it.  Anyways, Mazel Tov!