Mario Kills Raccons, PETA Kills Childhoods

Yum, looks like dinner and a show.

According to PETA, Mario, the lovably mustachioed plumber that inhabits a world of magical sewer drains and evil mushrooms, is an endangered animal skinning, bloodthirsty, two-dimensional menace.  Despite the obvious fact that Mario is a video game and therefore not reality, PETA attempts to sully the Mario name because of his of Tanooki suits.  In the game, the Tanooki's raccoon-like fur gives Mario super powers.  PETA's outrage resulted in the creation of their own 2-d game in which you play as a skinless Tanooki corpse chasing down the vile animal-killer Mario.  The web page for this game includes images of Mario reveling among the corpses of his latest victims.  They really don't hold back on trying to ruin my childhood and many others with images like this.

I remember this game filled with a few less decapitated raccoon heads.

Pretty gruesome images, I especially like that the decapitated raccoon head had the wherewithal to cross his eyes into X's, reinforcing that he did not survive the decapitation.  Also, the animal's lifeless eyes were still able to muster a massive and colorful tear, perhaps a silent protest to his current  body-less situation.  This opens the floodgates for different organizations to take their shot at horrifying the childhood icons that I once viewed as innocent and wholesome.  I'll take an attempt at listing the upcoming scandals to be brought to light, all I need is the accompanying cartoon photographs.

A wise man once said, "Put Meat Loaf in the Rock Hall of Fame."

1.) Elves are non-magical little people held as Santa Claus' slaves.

2.) Mr Feeny was a Nazi.

3.) Rookie of the Year is kicked off the AFI Top 250 Films because it's implausibility due to a blatant disregard for child labor laws.

4.) Coca-cola destroyed the enamel of Polar Bears, who also lack opposable thumbs making it impossible for them to drink bottles of Coca-cola.  Class action suit on behalf of the polar bears takes Coca-cola for everything.

5.) Mr. Rogers sold his neighborhood to developers looking to build a Super Wal-Mart.

Smoke your cares away down in Fraggle Rock.

6.) The characters on Fraggle Rock abused a myriad of drugs to deal with their fame.  (Ed. note: Actually this wouldn't surprise anyone really.)

7.) Ms. Pac-Man took over following Pac-Man's tragic Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde overdose.  The tempting blinking lights called to Pac-Man feel until one day a taste of Inky or Blinky with a side of fruit just wasn't enough, he delved deeper into the underworld and started experimenting with all four characters, blinking or not.  "We knew his lifestyle would get the better of him eventually, but he couldn't be reasoned with," Ms. Pac-Man says, "I hope in his passing some little yellow balls out there can learn from his story, and that I can continue eating the hell out of some cherries to preserve his legacy."

8.) The banana phones Raffi sung so passionately about was actually written by Sprint.  The company looked to profit off cheap Honduran labor by combining food and cellular technology.  This would result in edible phones that would need replacing every 4-6 hours after being eaten by their owners.

9.) Lucky Rabbit's Feet were created by slicing the fur off of the Easter Bunny.

10.) Joe Paterno and Penn State football would be involved in a sickening abuse cover-up. Yikes!