Ode to the Liars and the Lazy

My parents don't buy this excuse due to my lack of feline DNA.

Often I will hear a friend exhaustively proclaim, "I had such a productive day!"  Really, did ya?

More times than not their daily docket will have looked something like basic chores, a little exercise and going grocery shopping.  I won't sit here and claim that I am any different.  I do the exact same thing.  Exaggerating to appear productive, normal and even hard-working is as downright American as apple pie.

In this post I will attempt to call bullshit on myself to break one of my "productive" days down.  As previously mentioned, I am for all intents and purposes unemployed.  Yes, I deliver pizzas 4 nights a week.  But the majority of my life is free time, which I spend in a myriad of unproductive ways.  Below are the edited highlights in my schedule for a recent day I considered "productive," followed in parenthesis by the unedited meaning of the productivity I truly achieved.

Bob Barker Wants You! to get out of bed.

-Woke up early = (Woke up in time to watch The Price is Right).

-Made the family breakfast = (Ate some cold pizza on the couch).

-Did the dishes = (Looked at the dishes and thought aloud that somebody should get to those).

-Washed 4 loads of laundry = (Seperated whites from colors and put them in a machine that did all the work for me.  Total time of actual activity completed by me: 2.35 minutes).

-Went for a run in the park = (Walked to the mailbox and back with enough energy left to complain about the cold weather).

-Showered = (Well that's just a lie).

-Searched for jobs online = (Daydreamed about being Morgan Freeman's voice double.  This is similar to a stunt double, but they would use my voice to fill-in for his dangerous vocal work, i.e. singing, screaming, conversing with Ashley Judd.  Disclaimer: this position is contingent on me sounding far more like Mr. Freeman, which will probably require expensive surgery or training).

-Completed the New York Times crossword puzzle = (Finished one level of Angry Birds).

-Went shopping = (At the local liquor store).

-Read an article on getting my resume noticed by employers = (Watched a mid-day Family Matters marathon on Nickelodeon).

As you can see I lead quite the extraordinary life.  I'm just waiting for MTV to contact me about appearing in True Life: 24 Hours Is Far Too Many for 1 Day.  Ed. note: I never once changed out of my pajamas in the documented day...or week.