Hannu-Kazaam

Imagine eight straight nights of this.  That's eight straight nights of the best gift ever.

Every year pundits see who can yell the loudest about the use of "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays," luckily I am here to put an end to that argument.  Today, I introduce a new holiday that crosses the religious battle lines into the promised land of secular merrymaking, as long you disregard the blatant title reference to a Jewish holiday and Muslim title character.  Hannu-Kazaam!  The name alone sounds smoother than Billy Dee Williams describing Ken Griffey Jrs. swing.

But what is Hannu-Kazaam you might ask?  It's simple.  One part Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight without a basketball in his hands on repeat for eight days.  Although we are yet to see how Shaq will fair in studio alongside Charles Barkley, I feel confident Shaq will be his usual, low-talking, big-smiling, lovable self thereby increasing brand awareness for this upstart holiday.  The Shaq persona has had a busy life off the court, and the whole world, from my house to yours, has been waiting for a chance to celebrate his achievements for eight days and eight nights.

There are countless routes to enjoying a night of Shaq.  For the cinephile in your house, give him a night dedicated to some of "The Big Aristotle's" silver screen roles in Good Burger, Blue Chips and the holiday's namesake Kazaam!

Regrettably, Christmas time can mean annoying carolers forced by their parents to dress in matching sweaters to sing holiday tunes on your doorstep.  Eww!  No longer will you need to turn off the lights and hide from those potential carolers.  Because on Hannu-Kazaam, there are no forced sing-alongs to outdated songs.  Instead, you can revel in your neighbors knocking on your door bearing the gift of a portable dvd player showing the music videos for Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life," and the Aaron Carter hit that reached No. 96 on the Billboard Hot 100 "That's How I Beat Shaq," both of which star "The Diesel."  Can't we all just sing-along to that.

This Hannu-Kazaam you will deck the halls (how the hell do you deck a hall?) while getting down to Shaq's multiple music ventures.  Shaq Diesel, Respect and You Can't Stop the Reign jingled critics bells from 1/2 to 1 star throughout the 90's.  Not to mention a super-group collaboration with the King of Pop and Ice Cube, sure to take the fa-la-la out of the pundits bruhaha.

Other ways to spend your Hannu-Kazaam! include watching episodes from Shaq Vs., any article profiling him when he thought he was police officer, watching his cameo in Curb Your Enthusiasm, any interview he's ever been in, reading Shaq Uncut, that video of his freestyle rap which focuses on the refrain, "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes," (get this guy a Grammy already), reading a list of his nicknames, and watching Shaq's Big Challenge where he tried to get kids to lose weight because he's always been a picture of a healthy weight.

The final night of Hannu-Kazaam must be spent enjoying not only Shaquille O'Neal's greatest piece of entertainment, but maybe the single greatest pop culture entity known to man: Shaq Fu.  This Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis 2-d fighting game has been ranked continually as one of the worst of all time.  But in my mind it is one of the only games to ever challenge the Sega powerhouse Michael Jackson's Moonwalker in which you fight off goons with handfuls of glitter to rescue young boys from the closet, the only thing missing is the literal red flag on the cover.  Oh yea almost forgot to mention Bubbles the monkey even appears in MJ's game.  Go buy it immediately, you will thank me.

This is a face and hand ready to dominate your holidays into submission.