That would be my reaction too if I had to share the bed with Fuller after he'd been pounding Pepsi's all night.
Sorry to disappoint you people that were tricked into visiting this site, but I will be making my last post for a few weeks as I jet-set to Paris to visit my brother. And I know what you are thinking: I must be crazy to visit France around the holidays! Wasn't that Kevin McCallister's plan before his negligent ginger mother completely forgot she had a child, in the ode to crappy parents classic, Home Alone? Yes, it was. Or wasn't that the destination in the original Final Destination before their plane crashed and hell was the nearest destination? Yes, yes, it was. Crap. Maybe I should rethink this. Eh, I'm still going.
I do have one question to pose to my readers before I depart: should I go stereotypical American or stereotypical Parisian upon my arrival in the City of Light? I enjoy looking like a fool and messing with people, and I think either of these options could accomplish those interests.
Stereotypical American: I wear a 10-gallon hat, cowboy boots, draped in McDonald's bags while shooting my pistol into the air. In this scenario it is imperative I remain as obnoxious as humanly possible, which could include singing Kesha songs.
Stereotypical Parisian: Upon arrival I will post up on a corner outside the airport wearing a black-and-white horizontally striped shirt and a beret. I will then proceed to play with my pencil thin Salvador Dali mustache in between brush strokes on the canvas on which I am painting tourists. I will also debate the merits of baguettes and croissants in my miserably attempted French accent.
Or I will just watch this video and prepare myself for a good time.
Let me know your thoughts or advice on my trip or just your opinion on Concrete Blonde's 90's alt-hit "Joey."
Tweedy monkeyed around the WGN studios this morning.
If you haven't seen Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy do the weather forecast for WGN News this morning, watch it now.
Often referred to as a "dad rocker" this appearance probably resonated with those fathers known for making "dad jokes." Fans familiar with Wilco will recognize his typical on-stage banter, but it is funnier in a "news" situation. I found his role as the "supplemental hair" to his bald counterpart hilarious. He seemed to have the news crew in stitches, but the jokes really began with his jean jacket leaving its' bottom few buttons undone. Good one jean jacket!
All Nick Cannon wants for X-mas is deafness, so he can escape "All I Want for Christmas Is You."
When making a list (and checking it twice) of the things I dislike most in music, there are a few mainstays: boy bands, auto-tune and Christmas music.
Before you bombard me with endearing nicknames such Ebenezer Scrooge and "dick for brains," I intend to fully explain my Christmas album disdain. Take a look at that picture above. That is Mariah Carey most likely lip-syncing her way through another cheery and vomit-inducing version of her X-mas smash hit "All I Want for Christmas Is You." Even though it is played just one month a year, this song is a runaway favorite for most overplayed track in the history of music. It appears in movies, television specials, parades, at sweater parties with hosts suffering from hearing loss and even in creepy Macy's commercials involving Mariah illegally seducing Justin Bieber. It is harder to avoid than laughing at sports teams making socially conscious music.
Disclaimer: to avoid having your head slice-reverse-sliced off, please refrain from playing, mentioning or even humming that song around me. Yet, if that song has one positive quality that sets it apart from most Christmas albums, it is at least a new and original song. Every year there are artists from Michael Buble and John Legend to Arcade Fire putting out albums that recycle the same tired, old merry tunes. At least when jazz flute enthusiast and inspirational voice for the homeless ("Aqualung") Jethro Tull released their Christmas album attempt they wrote us some new music.
Musicians don't need to throw us Thom Yorke lines about reinventing what music CAN be, but just give us some new and modern Christmas tunes. I guess many people find these familiar holly-jolly tunes to be a tradition akin to hanging Christmas lights or watching the old SNL "Schweddy Balls" skit. I just don't understand why even bother putting out the 56,708th interpretation of "Jingle Bells" when I would much rather change your lyrics to "Batman Smells," at least that lyrical change was change. There are always exceptions, for instance carols in movies. Imaginary friends of the blog, Zoeey Deschanel and Will Ferrell, performed an enjoyable rendition of Baby, It's Cold Outside," in Elf if not for just giving audiences an "O Holy Night, they aren't half-bad singers" moment.
Luckily, for me my favorite radio station 93 XRT in Chicago doesn't just play the old-timey Christmas songs, they feature Christmas tunes in a "Holiday Nights" segment (nice Bob Seeger pun) that combines the new and original with the old and tired. That leads to me finding gems like this number from the Blind Boys of Alabama playing "Last Month of the Year." The style of this tune is nothing groundbreaking. They rock a fun blues groove followed by call-and-response that tries to get to the bottom of the age-old question of when was Jesus born. The backing vocal members try their damndest, to pin down the month of their Lord's birth by guessing every possible month to the lead vocalist. Good for them, he's got the answer. Even though it is originally a Kingston Trio ditty, The Blind Boys found a more obscure holiday jam than "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and made it their own. Simple maybe, but awesome? Totally! We need more of this, musicians of the world. And please put an end to the Mariah Christmas Monopoly.
I like to imagine my family placing the ornaments and tinsel on our tree while caroling to this song instead. I have to imagine that my family dancing to blues-gospel music would look a lot like Navis Johnson (around 1:30).
Facing off against evil oil barons, self-acceptance and songs about rainbows make up a few of the major plot points of the new Muppets movie. And Fox News didn't take long to denigrate the children's film as Communist propaganda. Thank their Lord for bringing the brainwashing attempt of these filmmakers to the general public's attention. Their liberal agenda chooses songs about rainbows uniting the lovers and dreamers. Interesting choice wouldn't you say, can't they sing about profit margins and synergy to peak our childrens interest in capitalism.
Plus their main character is green! Don't we see enough Prius commercials for you to give it a rest already Kermit? The Muppets clearly despise the "job creators" and moneymakers in this country. Even though Kermit seems to do quite well financially, not once in the film does he educate our children on the evils of the Capital Gains Tax, keeping this hot-stove topic absent from the film definitely shows the filmmakers leftist fingerprints. To balance out the film's obvious political themes a song should be added to close the picture that promotes the traditional family value of money. If I can quote the world's original storyteller, Jesus, "Love your neighbor, as if he were a multi-millionairre." In the present day, we all have a duty to teach our kids to grow up and become obscenely rich without letting anything get in our way. The ideals of love, friendship and charity may have been fine and dandy for the Muppets of old, but it's a new century, catch up.
Imagine eight straight nights of this. That's eight straight nights of the best gift ever.
Every year pundits see who can yell the loudest about the use of "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays," luckily I am here to put an end to that argument. Today, I introduce a new holiday that crosses the religious battle lines into the promised land of secular merrymaking, as long you disregard the blatant title reference to a Jewish holiday and Muslim title character. Hannu-Kazaam! The name alone sounds smoother than Billy Dee Williams describing Ken Griffey Jrs. swing.
But what is Hannu-Kazaam you might ask? It's simple. One part Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight without a basketball in his hands on repeat for eight days. Although we are yet to see how Shaq will fair in studio alongside Charles Barkley, I feel confident Shaq will be his usual, low-talking, big-smiling, lovable self thereby increasing brand awareness for this upstart holiday. The Shaq persona has had a busy life off the court, and the whole world, from my house to yours, has been waiting for a chance to celebrate his achievements for eight days and eight nights.
There are countless routes to enjoying a night of Shaq. For the cinephile in your house, give him a night dedicated to some of "The Big Aristotle's" silver screen roles in Good Burger, Blue Chips and the holiday's namesake Kazaam!
Regrettably, Christmas time can mean annoying carolers forced by their parents to dress in matching sweaters to sing holiday tunes on your doorstep. Eww! No longer will you need to turn off the lights and hide from those potential carolers. Because on Hannu-Kazaam, there are no forced sing-alongs to outdated songs. Instead, you can revel in your neighbors knocking on your door bearing the gift of a portable dvd player showing the music videos for Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life," and the Aaron Carter hit that reached No. 96 on the Billboard Hot 100 "That's How I Beat Shaq," both of which star "The Diesel." Can't we all just sing-along to that.
This Hannu-Kazaam you will deck the halls (how the hell do you deck a hall?) while getting down to Shaq's multiple music ventures. Shaq Diesel, Respect and You Can't Stop the Reign jingled critics bells from 1/2 to 1 star throughout the 90's. Not to mention a super-group collaboration with the King of Pop and Ice Cube, sure to take the fa-la-la out of the pundits bruhaha.
Other ways to spend your Hannu-Kazaam! include watching episodes from Shaq Vs., any article profiling him when he thought he was police officer, watching his cameo in Curb Your Enthusiasm, any interview he's ever been in, reading Shaq Uncut, that video of his freestyle rap which focuses on the refrain, "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes," (get this guy a Grammy already), reading a list of his nicknames, and watching Shaq's Big Challenge where he tried to get kids to lose weight because he's always been a picture of a healthy weight.
The final night of Hannu-Kazaam must be spent enjoying not only Shaquille O'Neal's greatest piece of entertainment, but maybe the single greatest pop culture entity known to man: Shaq Fu. This Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis 2-d fighting game has been ranked continually as one of the worst of all time. But in my mind it is one of the only games to ever challenge the Sega powerhouse Michael Jackson's Moonwalker in which you fight off goons with handfuls of glitter to rescue young boys from the closet, the only thing missing is the literal red flag on the cover. Oh yea almost forgot to mention Bubbles the monkey even appears in MJ's game. Go buy it immediately, you will thank me.
This is a face and hand ready to dominate your holidays into submission.
