Hannu-Kazaam

Imagine eight straight nights of this.  That's eight straight nights of the best gift ever.

Every year pundits see who can yell the loudest about the use of "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays," luckily I am here to put an end to that argument.  Today, I introduce a new holiday that crosses the religious battle lines into the promised land of secular merrymaking, as long you disregard the blatant title reference to a Jewish holiday and Muslim title character.  Hannu-Kazaam!  The name alone sounds smoother than Billy Dee Williams describing Ken Griffey Jrs. swing.

But what is Hannu-Kazaam you might ask?  It's simple.  One part Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight without a basketball in his hands on repeat for eight days.  Although we are yet to see how Shaq will fair in studio alongside Charles Barkley, I feel confident Shaq will be his usual, low-talking, big-smiling, lovable self thereby increasing brand awareness for this upstart holiday.  The Shaq persona has had a busy life off the court, and the whole world, from my house to yours, has been waiting for a chance to celebrate his achievements for eight days and eight nights.

There are countless routes to enjoying a night of Shaq.  For the cinephile in your house, give him a night dedicated to some of "The Big Aristotle's" silver screen roles in Good Burger, Blue Chips and the holiday's namesake Kazaam!

Regrettably, Christmas time can mean annoying carolers forced by their parents to dress in matching sweaters to sing holiday tunes on your doorstep.  Eww!  No longer will you need to turn off the lights and hide from those potential carolers.  Because on Hannu-Kazaam, there are no forced sing-alongs to outdated songs.  Instead, you can revel in your neighbors knocking on your door bearing the gift of a portable dvd player showing the music videos for Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life," and the Aaron Carter hit that reached No. 96 on the Billboard Hot 100 "That's How I Beat Shaq," both of which star "The Diesel."  Can't we all just sing-along to that.

This Hannu-Kazaam you will deck the halls (how the hell do you deck a hall?) while getting down to Shaq's multiple music ventures.  Shaq Diesel, Respect and You Can't Stop the Reign jingled critics bells from 1/2 to 1 star throughout the 90's.  Not to mention a super-group collaboration with the King of Pop and Ice Cube, sure to take the fa-la-la out of the pundits bruhaha.

Other ways to spend your Hannu-Kazaam! include watching episodes from Shaq Vs., any article profiling him when he thought he was police officer, watching his cameo in Curb Your Enthusiasm, any interview he's ever been in, reading Shaq Uncut, that video of his freestyle rap which focuses on the refrain, "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes," (get this guy a Grammy already), reading a list of his nicknames, and watching Shaq's Big Challenge where he tried to get kids to lose weight because he's always been a picture of a healthy weight.

The final night of Hannu-Kazaam must be spent enjoying not only Shaquille O'Neal's greatest piece of entertainment, but maybe the single greatest pop culture entity known to man: Shaq Fu.  This Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis 2-d fighting game has been ranked continually as one of the worst of all time.  But in my mind it is one of the only games to ever challenge the Sega powerhouse Michael Jackson's Moonwalker in which you fight off goons with handfuls of glitter to rescue young boys from the closet, the only thing missing is the literal red flag on the cover.  Oh yea almost forgot to mention Bubbles the monkey even appears in MJ's game.  Go buy it immediately, you will thank me.

This is a face and hand ready to dominate your holidays into submission.

Occupy the NBA

The "madman prophet's" show looks eerily similar to a few on cable news today.

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore," remains one of the most memorable quotes in film history.  It comes from Sidney Lumet's Network and is proclaimed by the main protagonist, Howard Beale, on his television program to spark the interest of the nation.  That phrase resounds throughout the country once the prime-time prophet instructs his viewers to yell it out their windows.  This scene vividly reminds me of something currently taking place.

I'm getting fed up with all the tiffs being played out through the media, the arguments over the money made by millionaires, and the divide it has caused in this country.  No, I am not talking about the Occupy Wall Street movement.  They had their chance.  Why should I occupy myself with the division between the 1% of this country that owns nearly half the wealth and the outspoken 99% who have to scrape to get by?  Who wouldn't rather occupy themselves with the division between two public groups of millionaire's arguing about a 50-52.5% share of the NBA's revenue?

That's why I am calling for an Occupy the NBA movement that will take a few cues from the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.  Listen OWS, nobody likes bankers. We all just assume they cheat, but we play the game anyways.  It's the exact same concept as Monopoly.  But while they sit in drum circles and explain how the wealthy have destroyed the middle class, and any chance of security for the vast majority of Americans, there are over 400 men a being kept from playing a game for measly million dollar salaries.  How can Michelle Obama claim to be fighting obesity in this country while these professionals sit locked out of their gymnasiums, private jets and multi-million dollar weight rooms?

While it is easy to make jokes about the epidemic of terrifyingly off-rhythm drum circles that have invaded the current Wall Street protests, they do teach a lesson in Protest 101.  Music gets the message out.  I just don't have the time to read or listen to speeches anymore.  Kennedy's Inaugural Address and Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech don't fit well on my Stairmaster playlist.  But toss some Dylan or Woody Guthrie on my iPod and I will climb those stairs all the way to freedom.

This seems like an area where the NBA Lockout protests could easily succeed.  There are countless musicians with vested interests in professional basketball.  These include Usher and Jay-Z who are part owners of the Cavaliers and the Nets respectively.  Yet, the only song mentioning a lack of basketball  I could discover was this.

The NBA lockout deserves a song that wishes for an end to the lockout instead of a wish for more athletic talent.  At the very least, Shaq and Metta World Peace (Ron Artest's new name should be inspiring some progress) could combine their failed music careers to pen a hit protest ditty.  Obviously, their version would involve more lyrics about Cristal and bikini-clad ladies, faster rhymes and probably a sample stolen from an 80's rock song, but something with a powerful or satiric message like this Woody Guthrie cover could do wonders.

Another chapter of Protest 101 the NBA should read describes the necessity to win public approval by demonizing the other side of the argument.  I mean just watch how masterfully these propagandist Occupy Oakland protesters villianize these harmless Police Officers that are just trying to keep the peace by disregarding any definition of the word peace.

It shouldn't be too hard to find David Stern or some NBA owner shaking hands with a ruthless dictator.  And if they can't find this with a basic Google search, the players should be able to scrap together a little cash from their meager salaries to hire an expert Photoshopper to create a photo of commisioner David Stern playing bridge with Saddam.

You would have to imagine that if the NBA players could gain the backing of the general public via any of these two options, that it just might swing the owners to concede a percent or two to bridge the gap between the 50-50% share the owners want and the 52.5-47.5% share the players want.

Or the two sides could just look "compromise" up in the dictionary and agree on somewhere around a 51-49% share and end this silly argument between two groups of exorbitantly rich human beings.  Then we can get back to watching 99% of this country embarrass themselves by demonstrating for an end to money's indomitable influence over politicians.  If only the company big-wig from Network, could get the protesters to put down their snare drums for a second so he could heartlessly explain how money rules the universe and specifically how the men with that money do it, they would realize that the wealthy in this country are far more "American" than they are.