Christmas Time is Gremlins Time

Many of you may have already seen this over at Mad Mike's Blog, but I thought I should post the link here also for my post on the 13 Lessons I Learned as a Child from my Favorite Christmas Movie: Gremlins.

Blue Christmas

All Nick Cannon wants for X-mas is deafness, so he can escape "All I Want for Christmas Is You."

When making a list (and checking it twice) of the things I dislike most in music, there are a few mainstays: boy bands, auto-tune and Christmas music.

Before you bombard me with endearing nicknames such Ebenezer Scrooge and "dick for brains," I intend to fully explain my Christmas album disdain.  Take a look at that picture above.  That is Mariah Carey most likely lip-syncing her way through another cheery and vomit-inducing version of her X-mas smash hit "All I Want for Christmas Is You."  Even though it is played just one month a year, this song is a runaway favorite for most overplayed track in the history of music.  It appears in movies, television specials, parades, at sweater parties with hosts suffering from hearing loss and even in creepy Macy's commercials involving Mariah illegally seducing Justin Bieber.  It is harder to avoid than laughing at sports teams making socially conscious music.

Disclaimer: to avoid having your head slice-reverse-sliced off, please refrain from playing, mentioning or even humming that song around me.  Yet, if that song has one positive quality that sets it apart from most Christmas albums, it is at least a new and original song.  Every year there are artists from Michael Buble and John Legend to Arcade Fire putting out albums that recycle the same tired, old  merry tunes.  At least when jazz flute enthusiast and inspirational voice for the homeless ("Aqualung") Jethro Tull released their Christmas album attempt they wrote us some new music.

Musicians don't need to throw us Thom Yorke lines about reinventing what music CAN be, but just give us some new and modern Christmas tunes.  I guess many people find these familiar holly-jolly tunes to be a tradition akin to hanging Christmas lights or watching the old SNL "Schweddy Balls" skit.  I just don't understand why even bother putting out the 56,708th interpretation of "Jingle Bells" when I would much rather change your lyrics to "Batman Smells," at least that lyrical change was change.  There are always exceptions, for instance carols in movies.  Imaginary friends of the blog, Zoeey Deschanel and Will Ferrell, performed an enjoyable rendition of Baby, It's Cold Outside," in Elf if not for just giving audiences an "O Holy Night, they aren't half-bad singers" moment.

Luckily, for me my favorite radio station 93 XRT in Chicago doesn't just play the old-timey Christmas songs, they feature Christmas tunes in a "Holiday Nights" segment (nice Bob Seeger pun) that combines the new and original with the old and tired.  That leads to me finding gems like this number from the Blind Boys of Alabama playing "Last Month of the Year."  The style of this tune is nothing groundbreaking.  They rock a fun blues groove followed by call-and-response that tries to get to the bottom of the age-old question of when was Jesus born.  The backing vocal members try their damndest, to pin down the month of their Lord's birth by guessing every possible month to the lead vocalist.  Good for them, he's got the answer.    Even though it is originally a Kingston Trio ditty, The Blind Boys found a more obscure holiday jam than "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and made it their own. Simple maybe, but awesome?  Totally!  We need more of this, musicians of the world. And please put an end to the Mariah Christmas Monopoly. 

 

I like to imagine my family placing the ornaments and tinsel on our tree while caroling to this song instead.  I have to imagine that my family dancing to blues-gospel music would look a lot like Navis Johnson (around 1:30).

Hannu-Kazaam

Imagine eight straight nights of this.  That's eight straight nights of the best gift ever.

Every year pundits see who can yell the loudest about the use of "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays," luckily I am here to put an end to that argument.  Today, I introduce a new holiday that crosses the religious battle lines into the promised land of secular merrymaking, as long you disregard the blatant title reference to a Jewish holiday and Muslim title character.  Hannu-Kazaam!  The name alone sounds smoother than Billy Dee Williams describing Ken Griffey Jrs. swing.

But what is Hannu-Kazaam you might ask?  It's simple.  One part Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight without a basketball in his hands on repeat for eight days.  Although we are yet to see how Shaq will fair in studio alongside Charles Barkley, I feel confident Shaq will be his usual, low-talking, big-smiling, lovable self thereby increasing brand awareness for this upstart holiday.  The Shaq persona has had a busy life off the court, and the whole world, from my house to yours, has been waiting for a chance to celebrate his achievements for eight days and eight nights.

There are countless routes to enjoying a night of Shaq.  For the cinephile in your house, give him a night dedicated to some of "The Big Aristotle's" silver screen roles in Good Burger, Blue Chips and the holiday's namesake Kazaam!

Regrettably, Christmas time can mean annoying carolers forced by their parents to dress in matching sweaters to sing holiday tunes on your doorstep.  Eww!  No longer will you need to turn off the lights and hide from those potential carolers.  Because on Hannu-Kazaam, there are no forced sing-alongs to outdated songs.  Instead, you can revel in your neighbors knocking on your door bearing the gift of a portable dvd player showing the music videos for Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life," and the Aaron Carter hit that reached No. 96 on the Billboard Hot 100 "That's How I Beat Shaq," both of which star "The Diesel."  Can't we all just sing-along to that.

This Hannu-Kazaam you will deck the halls (how the hell do you deck a hall?) while getting down to Shaq's multiple music ventures.  Shaq Diesel, Respect and You Can't Stop the Reign jingled critics bells from 1/2 to 1 star throughout the 90's.  Not to mention a super-group collaboration with the King of Pop and Ice Cube, sure to take the fa-la-la out of the pundits bruhaha.

Other ways to spend your Hannu-Kazaam! include watching episodes from Shaq Vs., any article profiling him when he thought he was police officer, watching his cameo in Curb Your Enthusiasm, any interview he's ever been in, reading Shaq Uncut, that video of his freestyle rap which focuses on the refrain, "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes," (get this guy a Grammy already), reading a list of his nicknames, and watching Shaq's Big Challenge where he tried to get kids to lose weight because he's always been a picture of a healthy weight.

The final night of Hannu-Kazaam must be spent enjoying not only Shaquille O'Neal's greatest piece of entertainment, but maybe the single greatest pop culture entity known to man: Shaq Fu.  This Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis 2-d fighting game has been ranked continually as one of the worst of all time.  But in my mind it is one of the only games to ever challenge the Sega powerhouse Michael Jackson's Moonwalker in which you fight off goons with handfuls of glitter to rescue young boys from the closet, the only thing missing is the literal red flag on the cover.  Oh yea almost forgot to mention Bubbles the monkey even appears in MJ's game.  Go buy it immediately, you will thank me.

This is a face and hand ready to dominate your holidays into submission.