With the return of the beloved(?) Child’s Play franchise and groan-worthy puns like the one in my
title, I wanted to celebrate by answering the obvious question to anyone
familiar with the bloodthirsty doll known as Chucky. Even though the child’s toy has been possessed with the
spirit of renowned serial killer, the “Lakeshore Strangler,” Charles Ray (that is
honestly his name! The writer must have had some serious disdain for “Hit the
Road Jack” and “Georgia on My Mind” to reverse the famous singers name for his
fictional murderer), how can any adult, child, or family pet not easily kill
this 2 ft. tall felt menace? A
lack of common sense or creativity on the part of the principal humans in the Child’s
Play universe has resulted in enough deaths
to fill 6 movies. Here are some
ideas for the main characters in the newest feature to wrap this thing up once
and for all.
1.) Tie his tiny,
soft doll-hands to a helium balloon.
2.) Bake him into a
7-cheese homemade mac and cheese in your easy bake oven – if the heated
lightbulb doesn’t kill him there should be enough cheese to even clog up a
plastic dolls arteries.
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| The Chucky du jour sure looks good. |
3.) Find some of
that gooey substance you have left over from when you performed “surgery” on
your Stretch Armstrong toy to see what he was made of. Take said gooey substance and sneak
parts of this material into Chucky’s food. Whatever this goo is made of it has to be poisonous, and in lieu of Chucky having dietary
needs because he is a child’s plaything, be safe and sneak this poisonous
Stretch Armstrong muscular matter into his drink of choice - which I assume is
a mixture of Everclear, Hawaiian punch, and speed.
4.) Eliminate all
scissors and knives from the house and replace them with those squiggly line
scissors. Chances are after Chucky
offs his first victim the remaining asymmetrical and silly looking dismembered
cuts will embarrass the hardened killer and leave him with no choice but to
kill himself.
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| He's definitely got something... |
5.) Set your Mr.
Potato Head up with the Bride of Chucky.
One amorous tryst between these two should result in some sort of
sexually transmitted potato disease the likes of which the toy box has never
seen before. As of yet, Chucky has
survived being wed to a doll obnoxiously voiced by Jennifer Tilly, but throw in
a serious case of potato dick and his immune system will be forced to throw in
the towel.
6.) Leave Chucky in
a room with the television set to a Skip Bayless monologue from First Take
on loop. Two and a half to three
minutes of that egotistical, preschool logic should cause enough anger to cause
an efficient heart attack in your homicidal doll.
7.) Kick him, he’s a
2 foot tall doll who uses tools as sharp as a mechanical pencil. He doesn’t have the technical know-how
or David Cross connections that the Small Soldiers did, so don’t worry about
him building army-grade killing vehicles.
8.) Drown him in
your morning bowl of Kix.
9.) Stab him with a
protractor.
10.) Leave him on
the tray you threw away at school, just like the retainer you promised you
wouldn’t lose.
11.) Take out the
stitching on his neck and feed his head to your sea monkeys.
Moral of this entry
- you can overpower a doll and end it’s life in any way possible.
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