Marketing the Un-Marketable

Ernie's smile is frightening.  He may have just smoked some PCP for the first time.

Searching for my first job of out school often intersects with a meditative yet purpose-driven searching of my soul.  How can I capture the essence of myself in a resume?  What makes me attractive to potential employers?  Why is Jersey Shore still on the air?  All of these are pressing questions that I intend to answer at any cost, even if it means going broke to assemble a think tank of Will Hunting like characters to explain the Nielsen ratings of Jersey Shore to me.  I don't care about their numbers; I moreso fear for the lack of moral accountability of those MTV producers that may be brainwashing and creating legions of greased-up Guidos hellbent on the destruction of all that is good and decent.  How about dem apples. Anyways...the question I want to poke holes in on this post is how to market my skills for a job interview.  I have put together a list of my skills that I believe are of utmost importance to the morale and day-to-day operations of any American workplace, but at the same time I wouldn't dare list these attributes to any HR representative out of fear of being laughed out of any interview until my only hope is shooting up some 'roids, getting a spray tan and signing up for Season 17 of Jersey Shore.

Un-Marketable Marketing Skills

1.  Never have I ever burnt a piece of toast.
         -Excuse the gamey-tone of that sentence and drink in the gravity of that fact.  It is true, I am the preeminent toast-maker in these United States.  You may be incredulous after reading that claim, even going so far as to call me a half-baked nincompoop (though I doubt you used those words).  Rest assured, I don't take my role as toast-master lightly.  That's why I often get mistaken for Spiderman.  With great toasting power comes great responsibility.  And I vehemently watch over my toast like a heroic evolutionary-freak would watch over the citizens of his city.  What office wouldn't enjoy having the toast of the town in their break room each and every morning?

2.  Mustaches!

What mustaches were, and can be again.

        -Often reserved for maniacal villains, adult film stars or documentarians, the mustache has been a victim of Hollywood propaganda for too long.  Aside from joining a motorcycle gang or wrestling alligators, growing a mustache is the final act of complete and total freedom we have left in this world.  And on multiple occasions I have tried to uphold that sentiment by morphing into the resident mustache-man.  I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind having a guy with the guts to grow such a vilified facial hair style on my side.

3.  Board Game extraordinaire.
        -However unlikely, landing a major client may one day come down to which firm can succeed in a no-holds barred winner-takes-all game of Hi-Ho! Cherry-O.  I do not accept failure in any board game.  Yes, I play to have fun.  But isn't it the most fun when you win?  And win is what I will do repeatedly in the name of your company.  I will have collected all 10 cherries before they can even say "Hasbro" (eds. note: Hi Ho! Cherry-O is a Milton Bradley title).

4.  Telling time.
        -I can do it.  Therefore, I am rarely late.

5.  Top High-Five Man this side of the equator.
        -Holding the mantel of 8-time winner of the "Best of the Western Suburbs Slapper of Hands" isn't the easiest position.  Every year literally multiple up-and-comers flock to the western suburbs of Chicago with one goal in mind: to dethrone the Skin Slapping Shaman.  High-five Times has described my streetwise salutes as "riding the line between worldwide acclaim and forbidden sex appeal."  The Dalai Lama wrote in his memoirs, Hello Dalai, that his first true religious experience came after I congratulated him on a speech-well-done with one of my heart stopping high-fives.  If someone in your office continually lacks self-confidence and therefore blows presentation after presentation, don't get them a prescription for Zoloft, instead hire a prescription of five fingers creating sublime contact with their own depressed digits: take 3 times a day with food.