SOPA - Not Only Spanish for Soup

This week loads of internet backlash has been hurled at SOPA (the Stop Online Piracy Act).  This bill currently being debated in Congress would pose great threats to numerous user-generated sites like Youtube, Wikipedia, Funny or Die and Reddit as well as illegal music and video downloads.  Needless to say, if those sites are shut-down or altered, it threatens weakly researched term papers, this blog and videos of talented individuals like this.

In honor of protesting this proposed bill, I devised a list below that Congress should be more focused on censoring and shutting down before they attack the web.

The WNBA All Star Game
-There are a bevy of talented women athletes in the world, but in no way is there a need to label these players as stars and subject television viewers to highlight reel deflected passes and layups.

Taxi cabs whose headlights look Cop cars in my rear-view mirror at night
-They must find it odd how every car in front of them slows down when they approach.

LMFAO
-I'm not sure how these guys are considered musical, talented or worthwhile.  Judging by this picture, their talent may be standing stiff while wearing crudely geographic t-shirts.

TTYL
-Chances are this will be the name of a music group in the future that will once again leave me considering the benefits of going deaf.

The Miami Heat
- Enough said.

Anything Associated with Michael Bay.
-Even if that means going back in time to censor the original Transformers action figures.  I would gladly trade in childhood joy to save myself from Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Transformers 1-3, etc.  Wait, he didn't direct Face/Off did he?  Because if so I may need to take his face...off...this...list...ok good I checked IMDB, he's not associated with that masterpiece.

Celebrity Baby "News Stories"
-"Con Air star Ving Rhames names his new child Chobani, after his favorite Greek yogurt brand,"  is a fake headline I hope to never read.  Wow, Jay-Z named his kid Blue Ivy and Chris Martin has a kid named Apple.  Is that really considered news or is it just a way to remind us how very "artistic" and just plain effing weird celebrities are?

Judgmental Fast Food Employees
-Just once I would like to feel safe ordering a fine 50-piece chicken nugget meal, for myself, without getting a third-degree grease burn from the lady taking my order.  I understand it is unhealthy and an absurdly large quantity of food, but if I wanted advice I wouldn't have skipped my doctor's appointment to watch that Married...with Children marathon last week.

Second-Hand Sports Stories
-Oh, you scored 14 points in the District Semi-Regional Opening Round Preseason Squash Tournament in high school?  Not even your pet cactus would enjoy hearing you retell your old sports glory stories.  Ed. note: Full disclosure if you played high school Squash I would love to hear about it, because I know nobody who plays that sport.

The Reality Show Ink Master
-Television networks seem to have lost any clue as to what might resemble quality programming with this reality gem.  "Hey, let's get that alien looking guitarist from Jane's Addiction to host a show where we find the next great American tattoo artist!"  "Finally a reality program that will find the person to fill that void there has been in American Tattooing for the past decade," says nobody except that guy sleeping in the bus station who has 5 head tattoos instead of hair.

The endless supply of small blogs on the internet....
-I mean, um, heh, ta-da, cue the video of a zebra dancing. 

Musical Bloopers

You may have heard about the terrific outpouring of internet hate for singer Lana Del Ray about her performance on this weekend's SNL (her critics include NBC Nightly News Host Brian Williams).  Posted above is the SNL performance of her internet hit "Video Games."

As you can tell, she seems about as awkward and out of place as Mitt Romney at a Phish concert.  Aside from her squirmy swaying, she looks generally disinterested in her music, life or the fact that Harry Potter just introduced her.  The stage most likely was a little too big for her, but I found this performance wildly entertaining due to the epic voice changes from line-to-line.  She hilariously drifted between a comically low grumble to an attempted angelic lilt.  She brings to mind some classic musical bloopers and gaffes that have received their due share of criticism.

William Hung (first name might as well be Will.I.Am because I find his music far more enjoyable than The Black Eyed Peas)

American Idol has made a malicious name for themselves by shamelessly humiliating some people that have as much business singing as I do performing quadruple bypasses.  But one contestant set a new musical bar for complete lack of talent or maybe even vocal chords.  William Hung won over audiences with his enthusiasm, smile and shameless attempt to make it in the music world.  It's almost hard to believe a voice can sound this weak.  Despite a voice that makes a 10-beer deep karaoke singer sound like Whitney Houston, Hung's first album sold over 190,000 copies in the US, and he scored a hilarious cameo in Arrested Development.  He gained fame with his cover of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs," but it wasn't all sex, drugs and latino rock n' roll for Hung. The video below is of his R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly" cover that puts his more sensitive side on display.

Fred Durst

Not much can be said about the rap-rock-popwannabe that hasn't been said already.  The Limp Bizkit front man's musical ability ran the gauntlet of considering "C'mon!" as a powerful lyric, to covering George Michael's "Faith" by just screaming the chorus.  Check out his mind-melting guitar solo below, that was most likely taught to him by his pet cat on a Kleenex-box rubber-band guitar.

Breakdown of the Solo:

0:06 - Fred's going to setlle the crowd in with this slow rocker.
0:07 - Good to hear that he plans on playing that guitar as loud as possibly.  Therefore, we will be able to hear the terrible-ness coming from him louder than we ever dreamed possible.
0:11 - He must be a pretty legit "artist" to refrain from sponsors, judging by the unmarked black baseball hat and white T-shirt.  It's good knowing that he was a role model for the children.
0:19 - It's been 19 seconds, and it's almost safe to say that the only word he knows in the English language is "Nevermind." At least he is singing and playing in rhythm......HAH.
0:20 - Uh-oh.  No more messing around with that slowed down Alanis Morisette crap.  Heeeeeere's Freddy!  And he has come prepared to play some open strings very fast.
0:24 - A few stumbles out of the gate, but he soldiers on past a couple awkward silences.  BOOM!  Did you hear that wahhhhh!  Now he's on a roll.
0:25 - And there goes that roll, he had a genuine look of panic for a second there following his wah-note.  He couldn't find the top of his fretboard, despite the fact that it stayed in place.  His head shook just enough, and I imagine he was trying to think back on his decades of musical training to decipher where his guitar begins.
0:26 - He found it! Good work, Fred!
0:29 - Oops.  Freddy flubbed another note.  Luckily, he knew he could save it if he just leaned back and gave a good "I'm rocking out face."  It almost distracts the viewer from noticing that the rest of his muscles have locked up from fear of not knowing how to play the instrument in front of him.
0:35 - Another big mess-up featuring a complete lack of sound.  It looks like he's beginning to realize the futility of this rock-out session.  He might be throwing in the towel soon.
0:37 - Following another failure he calls it quits and beelines for the microphone with a message for all the kids listening out there.  I believe he says "Shag my friends tonight!"  Poignant.  But you can't sneak one past me.  Mr. Durst must be quoting Dante's "The Divine Comedy."  Nice try.
0:41 - Big applause, I'm astounded the crowd actually celebrated that display.


Poison

This was a real band?  With actual fans????

I foolishly listened to their greatest hits album once, and I don't think I made it through more than 42 seconds on any song in the compilation.  They might be in on the biggest joke in music history.  Read this gem of a lyric from "I Want Action" that should only be greeted with 20 years in the state penitentiary for singing about a potential sexual assault.

"I can't wait to get my hands on them/I won't give up until they give in," then "If I can't have her, I'll take her and make her."  And their band leader starred on a reality show where he "looked" for love.

Rebecca Black

This girl has gotten plenty of attention for being part of the most vapid song ever.  That is a difficult title to take, considering the other Disney-ish teen stars like Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez and their entire catalog of soul-sucking, useless and IQ-lowering tunes.  But here is her epic fail (not views-wise, because in that realm this song is incredibly successful) "Friday."

Marketing the Un-Marketable

Ernie's smile is frightening.  He may have just smoked some PCP for the first time.

Searching for my first job of out school often intersects with a meditative yet purpose-driven searching of my soul.  How can I capture the essence of myself in a resume?  What makes me attractive to potential employers?  Why is Jersey Shore still on the air?  All of these are pressing questions that I intend to answer at any cost, even if it means going broke to assemble a think tank of Will Hunting like characters to explain the Nielsen ratings of Jersey Shore to me.  I don't care about their numbers; I moreso fear for the lack of moral accountability of those MTV producers that may be brainwashing and creating legions of greased-up Guidos hellbent on the destruction of all that is good and decent.  How about dem apples. Anyways...the question I want to poke holes in on this post is how to market my skills for a job interview.  I have put together a list of my skills that I believe are of utmost importance to the morale and day-to-day operations of any American workplace, but at the same time I wouldn't dare list these attributes to any HR representative out of fear of being laughed out of any interview until my only hope is shooting up some 'roids, getting a spray tan and signing up for Season 17 of Jersey Shore.

Un-Marketable Marketing Skills

1.  Never have I ever burnt a piece of toast.
         -Excuse the gamey-tone of that sentence and drink in the gravity of that fact.  It is true, I am the preeminent toast-maker in these United States.  You may be incredulous after reading that claim, even going so far as to call me a half-baked nincompoop (though I doubt you used those words).  Rest assured, I don't take my role as toast-master lightly.  That's why I often get mistaken for Spiderman.  With great toasting power comes great responsibility.  And I vehemently watch over my toast like a heroic evolutionary-freak would watch over the citizens of his city.  What office wouldn't enjoy having the toast of the town in their break room each and every morning?

2.  Mustaches!

What mustaches were, and can be again.

        -Often reserved for maniacal villains, adult film stars or documentarians, the mustache has been a victim of Hollywood propaganda for too long.  Aside from joining a motorcycle gang or wrestling alligators, growing a mustache is the final act of complete and total freedom we have left in this world.  And on multiple occasions I have tried to uphold that sentiment by morphing into the resident mustache-man.  I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind having a guy with the guts to grow such a vilified facial hair style on my side.

3.  Board Game extraordinaire.
        -However unlikely, landing a major client may one day come down to which firm can succeed in a no-holds barred winner-takes-all game of Hi-Ho! Cherry-O.  I do not accept failure in any board game.  Yes, I play to have fun.  But isn't it the most fun when you win?  And win is what I will do repeatedly in the name of your company.  I will have collected all 10 cherries before they can even say "Hasbro" (eds. note: Hi Ho! Cherry-O is a Milton Bradley title).

4.  Telling time.
        -I can do it.  Therefore, I am rarely late.

5.  Top High-Five Man this side of the equator.
        -Holding the mantel of 8-time winner of the "Best of the Western Suburbs Slapper of Hands" isn't the easiest position.  Every year literally multiple up-and-comers flock to the western suburbs of Chicago with one goal in mind: to dethrone the Skin Slapping Shaman.  High-five Times has described my streetwise salutes as "riding the line between worldwide acclaim and forbidden sex appeal."  The Dalai Lama wrote in his memoirs, Hello Dalai, that his first true religious experience came after I congratulated him on a speech-well-done with one of my heart stopping high-fives.  If someone in your office continually lacks self-confidence and therefore blows presentation after presentation, don't get them a prescription for Zoloft, instead hire a prescription of five fingers creating sublime contact with their own depressed digits: take 3 times a day with food.

Christmas Time is Gremlins Time

Many of you may have already seen this over at Mad Mike's Blog, but I thought I should post the link here also for my post on the 13 Lessons I Learned as a Child from my Favorite Christmas Movie: Gremlins.