Hipsters, and Bingo, and Agassi, Oh My!

According to this yahoo.com story, the new hipster craze sweeping the nation is BINGO.  You read that right, B-I-N-G-O!  Apparently vinyl record collecting and letter writing on fine stationery (actual hobbies listed in story) doesn't fully slake that hipster thirst like it used to, so an underground shift has been made toward the past time of marking letters and numbers on printed tickets.  Be it civil war era-esque beards or supporting Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins is still around?), finding that "old-timey feeling" seems to be the summation of hipsterism from the above article.  Following in that spirit, below are 5 retro staples that I hope the hipster community will embrace next.

1.) Snap Fighting 

Gang violence would be reduced to self-inflicted carpal tunnel if disputes were settled on today's streets with a song and a snap.

 

2.) Mullets

Taking a social style taboo of the past in the name of irony is nothing new.  But why limit ironic follicle statements to a small area above the lip when there's a whole party of hair in the back (business in front) that can make that statement in a louder, more socially opposed way.  We need this generations Andre Agassi, I nominate you Tim Tebow - first step: an Agassi-inspired methamphetamine habit.


3.) Doing you laundry in the river with a washboard...

Who am I kidding, if you look like Agassi, you don't wash your clothes, or yourself.

4.) Being a Geocentrist (belief that Earth is the center of the universe)

Galileo proposed the Sun to be the center of the universe, around which, all other planets revolved.  This plan was given a response of "suuuuure it is, nerd," by the religious leaders of the day leading to Galileo being labeled a heretic, a future "Bohemian Rhapsody" reference, and his placement under house arrest.  Once it was agreed that this Galileo guy was kinda smart (after he had died), society basically agreed he was right and that all other ideas were insane.  What better way is there to slap all these sun-revolving lemmings ("the establisment") in the face, than to come full-circle and re-believe in the Earth being the center of the universe.  It's retro, crazy, and an expression of your individualism - it's essentially the new Zubaz.

A style unlike any other.

5.) Traveling down the Mississippi by personal raft

Huck Finn did it.  Jonathan Taylor Thomas played Huck Finn's buddy in a movie.  You are more resourceful than JTT right?  I thought so.  You can totally do it, and if not, well then at least you will die trying.  And at the very least this list of activities will keep you busy enough to distract yahoo into searching for more newsworthy stories than the social comings-and-goings of hipsters.

The real shame in this article is the lack of Jonathan Taylor Thomas films in this nation's Redbox dispensaries